I am just about as peeved as a person can be without actually punching someone in the proboscis (ooh, alliteration!).

Why? The U.K. visa process.

Look, I’m a relatively intelligent person. I’d say (humbly, of course) that I’m even considerably smarter than the average person. I have a bachelor’s degree and am about to start in on a master’s degree (for which I am going abroad and need a visa). I’ve even applied for a visa to the UK before. I’m usually pretty good at figuring out the fine print and bureaucratic imbecility that goes on with this kind of stuff.

And even I was totally flummoxed by the damned visa application process.

Before embarking on the actual online application, I had done a pretty thorough scouring of the website. I knew I needed to provide proof that I had enough money to cover my tuition fees and the cost of living for nine months. I knew that this could take the form of bank statements and/or bank pass books, both of which I used. I also knew I needed my official immigration letter from Kingston University as well as the official letter of financial aid (to help prove I had the necessary funds). I even knew I would have to go get fingerprinted somewhere.

Of course, I didn’t know where I would have to go, because NO WHERE on the site does it list the places where you have to physically go to get fingerprinted/photographed. I knew there were like three per state and that this probably meant I would have to go to Baltimore.

So with all this knowledge and a few questions still not entirely answered, I opened up the online form and to start filling it out. This went fairly smoothly. On one page however, if capital letters (not bolded) they mention some form that I hadn’t heard of anywhere else. In all the places where it asks what documentation is needed, it never mentioned any “self-assessment form”, which this one notice on this one page told me. I very easily could have overlooked that notice, since it wasn’t in bold or in color and since it was directly above the “next” button. I could have filled out that page, glanced at the words, overlooked their import, and clicked next. Then, I would have been screwed.

Also, I finally found out where the centers were to get my fingerprints taken. I was correct: Baltimore was the closest spot.

I believe there was yet another form that was suddenly sprung on me in the fine print and that might have been easily missed. Because as it happens, I needed a passport photo, too, which is not mentioned anywhere except there’s a blank rectangle that says, “attach passport photo here”.

So, I did that, grumbling about all these little things and random forms that are thrown at us like turns in a maze. Click on this form–don’t forget that form ["But I've never heard of that form before! What the heck is it?"]–attach this–include that! Drive an hour and fifteen minutes to Baltimore, get fingerprinted, drive all the way back! Don’t be nervous about putting your original passport, bank statements, and bank pass book in the mail! It’ll be okay! These precious documents aren’t that important to you!

Anyway, I triple-checked everything: all the fine print and every page of stuff I was sending in. I made sure I had all the letters and statements and passbooks and photos. I sealed it up and sent it out.

A few days later, I received an email confirming the receipt of my package. Good! They got it, so it is all safe until the return journey, which should be safe considering that I had to pay $12 for them to ship it back to me (on top of the $250 fee for applying!).

Then, on Wednesday, I got home from work in the late afternoon/early evening to find I had an email fro m the UK border people in NYC, which is where all my goodies were mailed to.

At 5:00 p.m. they sent a notice saying that I had failed to include an original college transcript and that I had four days from the day of notification (ie, that day even though it was sent at 5 pm) to get them that transcript.

I flipped a lid and shitted a brick. I was pissed the eff off, let me tell you. I had been as thorough as I could possibly be. Firstly, their website sucks. Information is thrown all over the place, it’s very disorganized, and it’s worse than a maze to navigate. Things are contradictory and unclear. I did my damndest. Second: NOWHERE did I ever see the first word mentioning that I needed to send them a transcript, too, because I would have done that. Third, how DARE they demand a transcript in four business days, not notifying me until after the end of one of those business days? I had three days to get it to them, basically requiring me to spend a lot of money to overnight them a transcript! Fourth, I was extraordinaly peeved by their attitude that they were doing me a big favor by suddenly demanding this document and giving me only three days to get it to them.

Lastly, this meant that I had to drive all the way down the College Park. I couldn’t get the transcript in time otherwise. It took an hour and a half to drive down there. It took ten minutes to walk to the Mitchell Building, ask for the transcript, have it put in my hand, and walk back to my car. Then it took another hour and half to drive home, where I spent $13 to overnight it to NYC. I was and still am pissed as hell. I am in very desperate financial straits at the moment, I could have bought food with that money, but I’m just going to have to pick at what food is around the house. Thanks a lot, mo-fos.

So, the transcript is off and God only knows if that’s it. I would assume that’s the only thing that’s missing or they wouldn’t have bothered to send me an email telling me to send them that one document. On the other hand, I would not put it past them to reject my application anyway because something else is missing. And you know what would happen then? I would have to pay $250 to reapply!

And then, just the other day I got an email from Kingston saying 20% of US applicants for a UK visa were being rejected. Well, no shit. It’s because the process is out of control and utterly a mess. It’s intensely horrible. It has no design, clearly, or if it does it was designed to make sure people were rejected. It’s ludicrous and unacceptable. Frankly, I’m shocked and upset and outraged at the system. It is beyond words how bad it is, really and utterly beyond words. I’m clearly infuriated by the stupidity, inefficiency, and exploitation of this process. It’s worse than a joke, it’s practically a racket.

Oh, and it still boggled my mind that I have to have in one place at one time enough money to last me an entire year! That requirement for the visa seems a little unfair to me. And I didn’t like having to be fingerprinted, either.

Look, I applied for a visa before. It was a different system and admittedly I did it through the University of Maryland’s study abroad office, but honestly it was about a thousand times easier than the debacle that this application turned out to be. The new system probably still has kinks in it or whatever that need to be worked out, but in the meantime, lots of people are being put through this ungodly process and many are being rejected because it’s so abysmally messed up.