Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce

So, the team arrives at the arena in Boston–and it’s a sleek black pyramid. Not exactly suited to being used as a sporting venue. Real gymnastics events (the big ones) are held in sports arena, you know with tiers of seats and a mezzanine overhead and sometime a jumbotron.

Coach Sasha Belov gives his girls a pep talk before they walk in. Apparently, within the black pyramid is the mysterious and magical world of Nationals, where strange things happen. Flash bulbs go off, reporters call your name, and your competitors wear piggy-style buns on either side of their head. Strange and unreal. Gymnasts wished anyone gave a flying you-know-what about them. There is press and (videos) cameras at nationals, but there is sure as heck no red carpet. For the record, no one cares what’s in the girls’ gym bags. Can you say invasion of privacy?

Poor Mary Sue/Emily is being sad and lonely because her brother isn’t there and she feels out of place. Woe is her. Oh and the, “Miss do you belong here?” and “I guess we’re about to find out.” exchange is the cheesiest line in a long episode of cheesy lines.

Now Kelly Parker shows up. She mentions ESPYs, but ESPYs again don’t give a crap about gymnastics until the Olympic year.

So, Damon shows up at Emily’s house to take Emily’s brother to Nationals . . . in RADIOHEAD’S BUS! Random, but awesome. I mean, Radiohead must have one hell of a bus to get from Colorado to Boston in a few hours.

Poor Payson (the only one who is worth caring about) is feeling upset about taking Cortisone without anyone knowing, despite the fact that it’s not illegal and is not a performance-enhancing drug. Yet she still feels “icky” about it, because somehow–not sure how–she’s injecting it into her own back. Erm, what?

Creepy Carter makes his entrance. If I were Kaylie, that boy would have been completely gone the moment I heard about him sleeping with my friend. That boy would never say another word to me, so help me God. Her little speech nicely builds her up as the little heroine of the episode. Hm, I wonder who will win when Payson splats on her face (because it’s so obvious that the splat in previews was Payson)?

Now, let nationals begin. The clubs walk in one by one. They are announced by club, which is bizarre since gymnastics at this level is completely individual. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of well-known gyms (WOGA, Hill’s, GAGE), but it’s got nothing to do with how the athletes are presented. Not only that, but the girls march down a set of stairs into a half-lit arena. Not only is gymnastics not a pageant, it’s a huge hazard to compete in a half-lit arena! It looks a little retarded. They have ESPN providing the coverage, which isn’t so bad, but at least the movie Stick It got the NBC people (and Bart Conner) to give it a flavor of reality.

Payson looks awesome in her little ballerina bun and heavy eye makeup. Emily’s hair is pulled back in something approaching a passable hairstyle. Kaylie is still the only one who actually looks like she might be a gymnast (in fact, she looks like Jade Barbosa from Brazil). Lauren’s hair, while it’s prom-chich, is totally impractical.

Coach Belov gives yet another pep talk. It’s the third one he’s given. I feel sorry for the girls in the second row, who apparently Sasha couldn’t care less about.

Let’s get this party started. Not only is it “hard to believe” Emily was training at the YWCA a year ago, it’s totally impossible and unrealistic. Also, BWAHAHAHA at the idea that judges are scoring based on personality. That went out the door thirty seven years ago, kids. Have we never heard of Olga Korbut? Nadia Comaneci? We all joke about Gina Gogean–if she can win, then there’s definitely no requirement for personality! I repeat myself, this is not a beauty pageant. Payson apparently kicks butt on bars. I wish they could get some elite stunt doubles to give some decent routines to these girls who are supposed to be gunning for the Olympics. Their routines are not even level 10 as far as I can tell. I’m sure the stunt doubles worked hard, but it’s just not a realistic vision of elite gymnastics. What’s with all the gainered dismounts off the side of the beam? Sure Courtney Kupets did it (and it was awesome because it was Courtney Kupets), but it’s not at all common in elite.

Kelly Parker is a bitch. Compare to reality. These girls are teenaged girls, can be catty, and are rivals in the arena, but they also get to know each other. Especially in recent years, with the growth of the national team system, these girls see each other often and become friends. At the real 2009 Nationals a week ago, the girls cheered each other on, helped each other, and actually smiled. Becca Bross is an intense competitor, but Nastia didn’t even have on her patented post-Soviet bitch face. It’s been since the early 90’s that the girls were pitted against each other. Even then, it was one of those seething, under-the-surface things. Gymnasts are painfully, scrupulously polite (generally speaking).

After the first day of nationals, Mary Sue/Emily is moping around again about being afraid. Boo hoo, girl. Get a grip.

The best part of the show: our favorite four wannabe gymnasts grabbing Kelly Parker’s bag. Sasha heard them. Emily says that the bag has “Kelly Parker’ss head” in it and he goes, “Carry on.” I bust out laughing, but actually in a good way this time.

Kaylie goes to the agent MJ. Trust me, there’s no money for gymnasts unless your name happens to be Mary Lou Retton, Nastia Liukin, or Shawn Johnson. Those three, and only those three, have ever made any actual money off of gymnastics. The decision to go pro is a big one for gymnasts, who must choose between the slim possibility of making some money from gymnastics and the possibility of getting a scholarship and being able to compete in NCAA. It’s a tough decision for young girls to make: they may not even know if they want to compete NCAA.

As day 2 begins, Sasha give another pep talk. Apparently, the judges need a “reason to love [Lauren]” in order to put her on the podium. Puh-lease. The judges are not personally involved. Also, why are the girls all wearing different leotards? They have the same colors but different designs. Weird.

Now Creepy Carter is back yet again. I was over him ages ago. At least she shuts him down totally. Thank God. Maybe next season (yes, alas, there is another season) he won’t be around.

Kaylie then does an incredible vault–I don’t know my vaults, but I know that wasn’t an incredible vault. What was it, a laidout Tsukahara? And she gets a 16.2? Vault does not score that high. Even the incredibly difficult 2.5 Yurchenko scores more like mid to high 15’s, at least in the previous quadrennium under previous code of points. And then Lauren does a tucked full-twisting Tsuk. Woo-flipping-hoo. I’m totally underwhelmed. And then, be still my heart, Payson does a TUCKED YURCHENKO. Is this girl trying to be elite national champion, or level 5 national champion? Seriously, that’s really pathetic. It won’t be winning any national titles. Oh, and can someone teach these actresses how to salute properly? You down fling your arms up like a windmill!

Now Payson decides not to inject herself with Cortisone (the mechanics of how she injects drugs into her own back is unexplained). Cortisone is treated like dope or something. She throws out her needle and goes out to do bars. And she loses her grip on the high bar as she transitions from the low bar! She goes down hard on her neck. It’s reminiscent of the fall Kerri Strug had in 1994, except Kerri was transitioning from high to low bar. Poor Payson. She was the only one worth following, the only one with a halfway realistic storyline. Now she’s carried off of the floor in a neck brace (giving Sasha another chance for a pep talk). As it turns out, Payson did some damage to her back and her gymnastics career is over. Bummer. I’m hoping she can miraculously recover for next season, or that her little sister( probably the only person in the entire show who ACTUALLY resembles a gymnast; she looks just like Daria Joura) will become a prodigy.

Now, Kaylie is “within striking distance” of the national title. With Payson down, Kaylie shines. Her silly little floor routine apparently seals it. First, though, Emily does her idiotic routine to rock music, which has lyrics which is obviously NOT allowed. She looks spastic. It’s nothing anyone over 10 could appreciate. (Vocals are actually allowed, but they have to be background and used like an instrument; see Vanessa Ferrari’s music.) Oh, and since we’re at it–Nationals are a podium meet! This means the apparatus are lifted a few feet from the arena floor. The girls can’t stand two feet away and taunt their competition. And there is also a scoreboard in the arena, so Emily wouldn’t have to wait with bated breath to see if she made it onto the national team.

I suppose it would be too much to go into the real system. There are qualifying meets for nationals. Some girls, such as the Olympians from last year, don’t have to qualify again to nationals, but lots of girls go to the Classics meets to qualify to nationals. Then, the top girls are put on the national team. The national team meets at the Karolyis’ ranch once a month, which gives Marta a chance to train and evaluate the girls, who are chosen for international meets based on their performance. Now, I know reality is complicated, but let’s at least give it a try, shall we? Stick It, though not exactly a masterpiece, at least did a decent job of representing something like reality (except for the gymnasts’ rebellion). This show has nothing to do with the real world, which is pretty sad.

I am just about as peeved as a person can be without actually punching someone in the proboscis (ooh, alliteration!).

Why? The U.K. visa process.

Look, I’m a relatively intelligent person. I’d say (humbly, of course) that I’m even considerably smarter than the average person. I have a bachelor’s degree and am about to start in on a master’s degree (for which I am going abroad and need a visa). I’ve even applied for a visa to the UK before. I’m usually pretty good at figuring out the fine print and bureaucratic imbecility that goes on with this kind of stuff.

And even I was totally flummoxed by the damned visa application process.

Before embarking on the actual online application, I had done a pretty thorough scouring of the website. I knew I needed to provide proof that I had enough money to cover my tuition fees and the cost of living for nine months. I knew that this could take the form of bank statements and/or bank pass books, both of which I used. I also knew I needed my official immigration letter from Kingston University as well as the official letter of financial aid (to help prove I had the necessary funds). I even knew I would have to go get fingerprinted somewhere.

Of course, I didn’t know where I would have to go, because NO WHERE on the site does it list the places where you have to physically go to get fingerprinted/photographed. I knew there were like three per state and that this probably meant I would have to go to Baltimore.

So with all this knowledge and a few questions still not entirely answered, I opened up the online form and to start filling it out. This went fairly smoothly. On one page however, if capital letters (not bolded) they mention some form that I hadn’t heard of anywhere else. In all the places where it asks what documentation is needed, it never mentioned any “self-assessment form”, which this one notice on this one page told me. I very easily could have overlooked that notice, since it wasn’t in bold or in color and since it was directly above the “next” button. I could have filled out that page, glanced at the words, overlooked their import, and clicked next. Then, I would have been screwed.

Also, I finally found out where the centers were to get my fingerprints taken. I was correct: Baltimore was the closest spot.

I believe there was yet another form that was suddenly sprung on me in the fine print and that might have been easily missed. Because as it happens, I needed a passport photo, too, which is not mentioned anywhere except there’s a blank rectangle that says, “attach passport photo here”.

So, I did that, grumbling about all these little things and random forms that are thrown at us like turns in a maze. Click on this form–don’t forget that form ["But I've never heard of that form before! What the heck is it?"]–attach this–include that! Drive an hour and fifteen minutes to Baltimore, get fingerprinted, drive all the way back! Don’t be nervous about putting your original passport, bank statements, and bank pass book in the mail! It’ll be okay! These precious documents aren’t that important to you!

Anyway, I triple-checked everything: all the fine print and every page of stuff I was sending in. I made sure I had all the letters and statements and passbooks and photos. I sealed it up and sent it out.

A few days later, I received an email confirming the receipt of my package. Good! They got it, so it is all safe until the return journey, which should be safe considering that I had to pay $12 for them to ship it back to me (on top of the $250 fee for applying!).

Then, on Wednesday, I got home from work in the late afternoon/early evening to find I had an email fro m the UK border people in NYC, which is where all my goodies were mailed to.

At 5:00 p.m. they sent a notice saying that I had failed to include an original college transcript and that I had four days from the day of notification (ie, that day even though it was sent at 5 pm) to get them that transcript.

I flipped a lid and shitted a brick. I was pissed the eff off, let me tell you. I had been as thorough as I could possibly be. Firstly, their website sucks. Information is thrown all over the place, it’s very disorganized, and it’s worse than a maze to navigate. Things are contradictory and unclear. I did my damndest. Second: NOWHERE did I ever see the first word mentioning that I needed to send them a transcript, too, because I would have done that. Third, how DARE they demand a transcript in four business days, not notifying me until after the end of one of those business days? I had three days to get it to them, basically requiring me to spend a lot of money to overnight them a transcript! Fourth, I was extraordinaly peeved by their attitude that they were doing me a big favor by suddenly demanding this document and giving me only three days to get it to them.

Lastly, this meant that I had to drive all the way down the College Park. I couldn’t get the transcript in time otherwise. It took an hour and a half to drive down there. It took ten minutes to walk to the Mitchell Building, ask for the transcript, have it put in my hand, and walk back to my car. Then it took another hour and half to drive home, where I spent $13 to overnight it to NYC. I was and still am pissed as hell. I am in very desperate financial straits at the moment, I could have bought food with that money, but I’m just going to have to pick at what food is around the house. Thanks a lot, mo-fos.

So, the transcript is off and God only knows if that’s it. I would assume that’s the only thing that’s missing or they wouldn’t have bothered to send me an email telling me to send them that one document. On the other hand, I would not put it past them to reject my application anyway because something else is missing. And you know what would happen then? I would have to pay $250 to reapply!

And then, just the other day I got an email from Kingston saying 20% of US applicants for a UK visa were being rejected. Well, no shit. It’s because the process is out of control and utterly a mess. It’s intensely horrible. It has no design, clearly, or if it does it was designed to make sure people were rejected. It’s ludicrous and unacceptable. Frankly, I’m shocked and upset and outraged at the system. It is beyond words how bad it is, really and utterly beyond words. I’m clearly infuriated by the stupidity, inefficiency, and exploitation of this process. It’s worse than a joke, it’s practically a racket.

Oh, and it still boggled my mind that I have to have in one place at one time enough money to last me an entire year! That requirement for the visa seems a little unfair to me. And I didn’t like having to be fingerprinted, either.

Look, I applied for a visa before. It was a different system and admittedly I did it through the University of Maryland’s study abroad office, but honestly it was about a thousand times easier than the debacle that this application turned out to be. The new system probably still has kinks in it or whatever that need to be worked out, but in the meantime, lots of people are being put through this ungodly process and many are being rejected because it’s so abysmally messed up.