I got back from going to the beach for the weekend with my parents. Yes, I’m a loser who goes to the beach with her parents and not her friends–what friends?–or boyfriend–never had one. I had a wonderful time anyway and I got back feeling so much better about everything. It really raised my spirits to go to the beach and just feel slightly optimistic for a while. It reminded me that I have had good times in my life, that I wasn’t always lonely and frustrated by the way my life was going. And thatmeans that I have to get my life back on track. Me. It’s my responsibility. For a while at least, I’m in a holding pattern. I absolutely must be here for another year in order to graduate, but then I’m leaving this hell hole forever. I hate this place so much. It saps me dry. I’ll never, ever live here again.
So, options options options:
1. Try to get a job with a Communications degree and English minor. HAH! That’s a pretty funny joke, isn’t it? I’m not even on the PR track. Comm teaches me nothing, which is a huge, huge part of my utter frustration with my current situation: I was roped into probably the most useless major on campus. What can I do with it? Work somewhere writing stupid press releases, maybe? If I’m lucky… I think I would have a very hard time getting a job in publishing with a comm degree.
2. Go to law school, and become a lawyer. Not, this is a good option. I would enjoy the research aspect of law (call me crazy) and I can write, form an argument, and present myself well. Lawyers are always in demand and lawyers make very good money. On the other hand, it isn’t quite my life’s passion to become a lawyer. That’s my problem, as I told my mother this weekend: no careers seem to totally fit with me. And, most worrying of all, I would need to go through three years of law school, which will easily end up costing $100,000 when living expenses are taken into consideration. How can I go into my adult non-student life with one hundred thousand dollars worth of debt hanging over my head? It’s unfathomable. One hundred thousand dollars of loans to pay off; and ten the expenses of starting life . . . how can I feasibly even consider that?
Which, of course, left me extremely upset and frustrated. I’m a very smart person with great grades. I’ll be good at whatever I do, because I just can’t stand failure. But all of my options are extremely crappy. I made bad decisions and let myself be roped into things I should have never allowed myself to be roped into. I should have explored my options way more widely. Perhaps I could have found somewhere with an advertising major, or I could have pursued architecture. All kinds of things; and I ended up with Communications, which is what? What the hell do you do with that? It just added to my utter and complete hatred of my life at the moment. But then there was a glimmer of hope: another possible option.
3. A masters degree in English–from an English university. A friend of mine is looking at doing research in her field-psychology–abroad in Germany. As we chatter via IM, I was venting a little of my frustration and she asked why I didn’t get a masters degree in England since I enjoyed the UK so much. At first, it seemed ludicrous. A masters in what? And do what with it? Then, after a bit of consideration, it occurred to me: I could get an MA in English from a University in the UK and then get a publishing job in London. One of my major hangups about the publishing industry is that it’s almost exclusively in New YorK City, which I do not like at all and would not consider living anywhere near. London, on the other hand, is charming, and is a publishing center. It may not be easy to get a job there, actually, since as someone pointed out to me, its many people’s dream job, too. The problem here: just an MA in English could be limiting. If I fail to get a job in publishing in London, what then?
So, you see, I’m at a very very sticky point and I’m having a lot of trouble finding the right way out. There is no correct way, no good option. Because I didn’t have any proper ideas of what I would do with myself, I went down a vague, useless path, and now I’m paying for it. I think that’s why, at the moment, it feels like my life is in shambles, though I’m sure it really isn’t as bad as it feels to me now. If only I were my brother and had been destined since the age of eight to be a computer engineer! Then I would be fated for a high-paying job that I enjoyed! Instead . . . I’m a smartypants with no specific place to go…….
But there’s light at the end of the tunnel. There are always options.
